Air Travel, Torquemada, and the TSANovember 5th, 2010 by The JetSetter Team | Comments Off on Air Travel, Torquemada, and the TSA
Now that we have full body scan devices at an increasing number of airports, passengers fall into two general categories. The first are those who march forward toward the scan with an air of resignation, sort of like 1984 drones. The second are those who intend to keep the private details of their body outline just that â€“ private. In the parlance of TSA, these unfortunate souls are called â€œopt outsâ€ and are treated with all the restraint and decorum of Rodney King at a Los Angeles police reunion.
â€œTake your belt off!â€
â€œRaise your hands!â€
â€œHold up your pants!â€
â€œPrepare for a prison warden pat down!â€
The first three sentences are completely true; the last might be fudged a bit. At The Jetsetter Show, we have a great new idea to completely terror-proof the skies and make long airport security lines a thing of the past. It goes something like this. Instead of patdowns, frisks, and intense monitor scrutiny, passengers, instead, head for a clean room and lie down on a gurney, where they are peacefully rendered unconscious via an injection
of their favorite sleep-inducing substance. After gently passing out, they would be wheeled aboard the airplane and stacked in row after row of narrowly spaced bunks, sort of but not exactly like sardines in a can.
Since passengers wouldn’t be able to board the plane themselves, baggage handlers could perform double duty and load the human cargo as well. Stick ’em in a bunk and strap ’em down, easy as pie. At the end of the journey, simply reverse the process. Pull out the human cargo on gurneys again, wheel them to the recovery room and wait for them to wake up and stagger off to baggage claim.
The only downside we can see to this bold new travel industry technique is possible overdose on certain sleeping drugs to frequent fliers. Close, so close. Guess it’s back to the drawing board and, until the next Jetsetter brainstorm strikes, prepare thyself for the full body scan-o-rama. Unless you’re brave enough to face the TSA version of Torquemada as he slips on the plastic gloves and prepares for the new Inquisition.
The Jetsetter Team
Flickr / SantiMB